I have a beautiful tale to tell about my fourth chemotherapy today, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary. I was glad that my blood counts were good enough to keep the scheduled appointment and I arrived a few minutes early. But to be honest, I was feeling a troubling resistance to this session. Already yesterday I was sensing the metallic taste in my mouth and a general dread of the effects that come after the chemo. I was struggling to find the gratitude and openness that allow the medicines to do what they are intended to do, i.e. to restore me to health.
The first “glitch” came when the nurse told me that a urinalysis should have been done with my labs yesterday because of one of the medications that can affect the kidneys. I had questioned the lab tech because she didn’t request a urine specimen but she said, “It wasn’t ordered.” Okay, I thought, maybe they are satisfied with the blood test for kidney function. So this morning the nurse apologized and said that they couldn’t start the chemo until I went downstairs to the lab for the urinalysis. I explained that I had asked about that yesterday…”I know,” she said, “It just wasn’t ordered.” So I trundled myself and my belongings down the stairs, managed to provide a sparse specimen of urine, and returned to the infusion center waiting area to wait for the results.
Meanwhile, another patient arrived who I recognized from my last visit for iv rehydration fluids after my last treatment. She had been getting her first treatment and did not have a “port” so the nurses were trying to get a peripheral iv line- with much difficulty. We had a long discussion about the benefits of having a port which makes access so much more convenient and comfortable. She expressed many doubts and worries but eventually agreed to the appointment for port placement. I offered a lot of reassurance, showing her my little veteran port-o-cath (placed in March 2008), saying that it is my little golden door that allows me to receive the gifts of healing. Today this woman would be using her port for the first time – and she was worried. “Will it hurt?” was her greatest concern. Not as much as all those sticks to get an iv! Just then my nurse called me to get started.
I settled into my chair and was ready when she came with the supplies to access my port and start the first pre-medication. Margie is new to the infusion center but has experience with inpatient pediatric oncology so I felt confident in her skill. The little poke of the needle into the port button on my chest felt right- but as she tried to withdraw blood and flush with saline she got a worried look on her face. “There’s too much resistance,” she said. She tried to reposition the needle, replaced it once with a new needle, called another nurse for an opinion, and finally said she would have to call my doctor.
I felt myself panicking. What will they do? What if I can’t get chemo today? What if they can’t get another iv? As I waited I watched my friend of the brand new port-o-cath get her first access without a glitch. Her chemo got started and she worked crosswords on her smartphone like a pro. Good for her! I thought. Then I returned to my own predicament.
I remembered the general feeling of resistance that I had to this round of chemo. I also recalled that today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary and how many times I had told friends that I expected special graces with the chemo. So I asked Mary to please help me be receptive to this experience of healing, to not have any blockage emotionally, spiritually or physically. Specifically, I asked her to take care of my port-o-cath!
The doctor told Margie to start a peripheral iv to give today’s treatment and to schedule me for a procedure to see if there was some kind of a “kink” in my port-o-cath. More anxiety! Margie seemed nervous as she surveyed the veins of my right arm and I didn’t like where she was looking. So I pointed out my personal favorite in the right wrist area, known as “the intern’s friend”. Margie took my advice and got it on the first quick stick. She connected the tubing and started to infuse the first pre-medication. I asked if she was going to put some heparin (blood thinner) flush in the blocked port. She went to get the supplies for the heparin flush. Lo and behold! She got an immediate blood return and had no resistance when she pushed the heparin! “It’s working!” she said.
I knew what had happened and how. Recently I came to know about a painting of Mary that is a particular favorite of Pope Francis. Known as “Mary, Undoer of Knots” by Johann Georg Schmidtner, the painting in Augsberg, Germany shows Mary untangling the knots in a long strand of rope or yarn. Angels hold the balls of tangled, knotted yarn. My spiritual director had acquainted me with this image of Mary back in August as I waited for surgery. This morning when I faced a serious resistance to the work of healing, my heart instinctively turned to Mary, the great untangler of knots. Whatever “kink” or blockage was keeping me from receiving the chemotherapy most effectively was now removed. And I believe it wasn’t just the physical knot that was undone.
Margie gave a couple of extra flushes for good measure and then she hooked me up to the infusion machine and hung the next bag of fluids, capping off my wrist iv in case it might be needed later. It wasn’t. The port worked fine and I fell into a deep sleep for the next few hours. But not before I went online to find this prayer to Mary, Undoer of Knots:
Virgin Mary, Mother of fair love, Mother who never refuses to come to the aid of a child in need, Mother whose hands never cease to serve your beloved children because they are moved by the divine love and immense mercy that exists in your heart, cast your compassionate eyes upon me and see the snarl of knots that exist in my life.
You know very well how desperate I am, my pain and how I am bound by these knots.
Mary, Mother to whom God entrusted the undoing of the knots in the lives of His children, I entrust into your hands the ribbon of my life.
No one, not even the evil one Himself, can take it away from your precious care. In your hands there is no knot that cannot be undone.
Powerful Mother, by your grace and intercessory power with Your Son and My Liberator, Jesus, take into your hands today this knot…I beg you to undo it for the glory of God, once for all, You are my hope.
O my Lady, you are the only consolation God gives me, the fortification of my feeble strength, the enrichment of my destitution and with Christ the freedom from my chains.
Hear my plea.
Keep me, guide me, protect me, o safe refuge!
Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for me
http://www.theholyrosary.org/maryundoerknots
So in this week of two great feasts of Mary, the Immaculate Conception and Our Lady of Guadalupe, I share another view of our Blessed Mother. Being an avid knitter myself, I can totally appreciate Mary’s patient and nimble fingers working out the kinks and tangles of my life. Today I am especially grateful for her handiwork. I can highly recommend this skillful untangler for the knots in your own life.
Sr. Janet, you give me inspiration! I keep telling people that a person cannot conquer cancer without faith. I didn’t know how strong my own faith was until i was presented with the dreaded “C” word over 5 years ago. My faith keeps me confident that my remission will continue forever. My prayers are with you and I’m grateful that you are sharing your journey.
Ellen and I go back to St. Mary-of-the-Woods time. We were roomies for a few years. I’m sure that some of her optimism rubbed off on me way back then. Keep fighting!
Janet, you are an inspiration to all of us particularly one of my dear friends whose cancer has reappeared after 20 years. I have her reading your blog for support. I love the prayer to Our Lady of Knots. Thanks for sharing it. You are always in my prayers.
Here you are nestled between these two wonderful feast days of Mary, wrapped in her protection, trusting and resting in her as she lovingly loosens your knot. I thought of you on this Feast Day of Juan Diego and checked in on your blog this morning. Sister, you are touching more lives than you will ever know. God in his great wisdom has made you his instrument and your story of faith travels far and wide bringing healing, hope and peace to your neighbors. I know that my heart that you have touched today will somehow touch another-and so it goes-God’s love overflows. Thank you, God Bless You and continued prayers for you.
Thank you, Cindy, for this affirmation. I have been negligent in checking my blog site for new comments and perhaps just today I needed the little boost that you have provided. I do wonder sometimes why I write…but I always get the same answer in my heart: I write because it helps me to understand and to make meaning of this experience. When it is also helpful to others it is a special “bonus blessing”!
Janet, your fright and your faith are gifts you share with us, so beautifully. This image of Mary is a newer one for us to ponder and pray. We also pray the promises of Jesus’ coming when the rough ways are made straight. Continuing to walk with you in prayer as today we celebrate the new feast of the humble Juan Diego and Mary’s gift to the people of Mexico and to this world so In need of her peace and love.
Janet, you definitely have the spiritual gift of understanding! Thank you for your witness – keeps me on my toes! Terri Butel
Thank you for sharing . . . . I love this devotion to Mary, Undoer of Knots! I read about this in a biography of Pope Francis and copied the image but thanks for sharing the prayer. I am thinking of you and praying for you . . . this journey with breast cancer is challenging. I have been walking it for the past year. Things get better . . . all will be well!
Advent blessings and peace,
Katie
Janet, I have been “enjoying” your postings, even as i hurt with you, and taste the metallic stuff that stops all tastiness… I think I have met you many years ago when the Tx. Mission Conference met one year in El Paso, and you and Bill Morton helped out so much in sharing your ministries there. I also feel a sister to you because your descriptions of living with sister cancer and its treatment – in the midst of such threats to life all around you in Anapra and generally on the border – are akin to one of my bouts with cancer in the early 80’s, when our community was deeply involved in advocacy for El Salvador, and including our parish church’s becoming a Sanctuary Church. How does that happen – just in the midst of all the work, all the accompaniement, all the exhaustion comes a recurrence of breast cancer – and then the subsequent year of chemotherapy, which sapped so much energy?? I think I sense in you, also, trying to make sense of it—trying to find God in the midst of the I.V.’s, the needles, the people sitting next to us in the waiting rooms, etc…
I just want to wish you the best–and promise my prayers. I loved the prayer you just posted to Mary, Untangler of Knots. What a wonderful Mary to discover.
(After my year of chemotherapy in 1980-81, I was cancer free until 2004. Since that time I have been in treatment for stage IV metastatic breast cancer–but I feel so blessed by God and good doctors and prayers and yoga and friends and all the helpful things that you know about, to be stable right now.)
I join you in the continuing journey of seeking the light in the darkness of this season… Please give my best to Bill Morton.
Patricia Ridgley, ssmn
Thank you for your message, Patricia, and for reconnecting after so many years. I am just getting around to checking for “comments” to my last post. As we begin this new year may we be open to all that the Creator is doing in us and through us. My spiritual director suggested that at this time in my life maybe I am just invited to be a little star on Guadalupe’s mantle, allowing her to carry me and just sharing the little light that I am given. I find that image very helpful! I am grateful to accompany you across the miles. May the new year bring us both the blessing of healing in body, mind and spirit!
Janet,thank you. The image of Mary as untangler is a new one and I love it. May all your knots be untangled! You are in my thoughts and prayers often. Eileen Judge
Sister Janet you are truly a warrior of God and I have seen it in many ways. The strength of your soul is a breeze of hope and faith that is blown to those who meet you. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and reminding us to leave our troubles in the hands of our Mother Mary. And thank you so much for sharing that strength to those of us that are not as strong. You are in my prayers always, a big hug to you.
Paola, dear! I just read your comment from so many weeks ago. Are you still in the area? Your words brought a smile to my face and to my heart. I hope you are well and would love to know what you have been up to these many years. Thank you for your prayers and support! Have a joyful New Year!
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing your moments of fear. I can relate in circumstances other than chemotherapy.
And the prayer to Mary is most powerful!
May God’s grace and healing envelope you!
Hello Janet, I wonder how you are managing with your fatigue? I still think of you and pray for you very frequently. I did send a response through WordPress earlier in December and don’t know if it went through. I am not used to it.
I am particularly praying for you this Christmas time and will continue to keep you in my prayers.
Blessings, Carolyn
Thank you, Carolyn, and yes, your reply came through. I am not regular in checking this site for comments and was surprised to find these today when I did. My chemo scheduled for yesterday was postponed because of low white blood cell and platelet counts so I have a reprieve for New Year’s. Lab is scheduled for Monday and hopefully I will be able to get the treatment on Tuesday. The fatigue is all a part of the program- worse on the ten days post-treatment- and I am learning over and over again to listen to my body. There is also a mental/emotional fatigue that is the result of so much unknown, long and short-term. Thank you for your prayers and support. May 2016 bring blessings of healing body, mind and spirit! Janet
It’s good to hear from you Janet. I am sorry to hear about your low blood count but as you state, you have a reprieve until next Mon/Tues.
I’m sure that the fatigue is total – mind, body and spirt. When do you expect to get an update on the effect of the chemo?
Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and I wish you every blessing and especially that you feel God’s love in every cell of your body on your continuing journey in 2016.
I will remember you especially in my prayers next Mon/Tues.
Carolyn
Hello Janet
Recently I sent getting to you, perhaps on facebook, but I can’t find it now. You said that you were doing well and asked how I was. I wanted to reply. I spent 5 weeks in hosp instead of 3-4 days; the surgery was 9 hrs long for this ileostomy. A few days later I was very ill and they found a duodenal ulcer and a thrombosis in portal
vein. I had a massive hemmorhage code 5 and nearly didn’t make it, was on clear liquids for 3 weeks, warfarin and heparin etc. for 5 weeks. I came home 3 weeks ago on warfin which they can’t regulate. So that is ongoing. My ileostomy is ok except I can’t find a workable appliance yet.
I pray that you continue to keep well and enjoy your work. Where are you now?
Take care
Carolyn
Janet, this is the first time I have read about you or gotten hooked up to your blog. Oh! I feel for you. I had those awful chemo treatments about 15 years ago and will never forget them, and the experiences you describe, of all that
you feel in your body and spirit. I did everything I could to distract myself from the way I felt – taking up watercoloring was the best medicine, and sometimes a good film. “Distraction” was the main ingredient. I had the low blood count, too. You are in my prayers.
love
Deanna Rose, rscj
Thanks- for reading and for your comments! My best distraction this time has been Audible, the Amazon audiobooks that I can download to my smartphone. Good literature…lots of Dickens and Bronte… and a few good series have helped pass the many hours of too much fatigue for anything more active. Thanks for the prayers! Janet